Episode Transcript
We Americans enjoy a wonderful and powerful way of life, but internally and in relationships we may wish for better. Join me as we look beneath the surface and gain insights to transform every aspect of your life. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare, and this is the Spiritual American. Hello everyone and welcome to the Spiritual American. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare, and I'm your host. And today we will be talking about reducing relationship stimuli. Interesting. So I'm gonna be telling stories from my own life here and hopefully you'll be able to relate. I grew up in the northeast of the United States. I grew up in a upper middle class home. I grew up watching television. We didn't have computers right away, but we had lots of TV. We had lots of social stuff, you know, we watched sitcoms and everything. My point is that there was a lot of things about being around people, how to be in relationships, how to be in groups, and there was also a lot of talking. Everything was talking, talking, talking, talking. You share everything about your life with everyone. Actually, I'm gonna do another episode called is sharing Caring, because sometimes saying they say that sharing is caring, but any extreme is something maybe to be looked at. So in this episode, I'm gonna talk about if relationships feel too much, what are the circumstances where I may have to bring myself back a little bit. The way I grew up, there was always people around. Everybody knew everything about everybody else. I know everything about your life. You know everything about my life. A friend means that, you know, we talk about everything. I talk all hours of the day and night. I'm constantly talking to people and I see people still doing that now. Especially women. Especially women, moms, grandmas. You know, sisters, friends, they're all talking to each other all the time, sharing every thought, everything going on and that's not necessarily negative. It is good to express and figure out what's going on and talking about it is a way of processing. But, but what I wanna talk about today is when is a good time to reduce that relationship stimuli? And I'm gonna say it's a good time when you feel like you want to work on yourself. In my experience, I was very close with my mom. My mom passed very close with a lot of female friends over the years, and there was, again, always talking to them, no boundaries, things like that, which is fine, but I never really took time to you could say meditate, but even just know how I felt about things. I was so automatically talking to everybody else or getting somebody else's opinion. I was so used to opening up myself to others and seeing what they thought. I wanna know what they think. I wanna see what they think. I wanna get their input. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. We had a student one time. Who was older than me. She was in her eighties actually. And I was talking about how women especially can get into a situation where they can have relationships that they feel like they're being drained by the relationships. So on one hand you have friends that you're talking to, or you know your friend, you're sharing your life. But on another hand, you can have friends or people in your life that maybe take up a lot of my time. Maybe I've set up the relationship so that I'm always talking to them. I never have time for myself. That kind of thing, that feeling that I don't have time for myself. And then maybe I'll start maybe resenting or feeling not so good in the relationship. So we had this student who was in her eighties and we were talking about that phenomenon, like having these people around that I feel like I'm taking care of or being in relationship with, but that I'm getting drained. And I asked her, how many of those people do you have? And she said, about eight. So can you imagine having eight people in your life that you are fully invested in? You're picking up the phone anytime of day or night. You're doing things for them, you're being with them, you're kind of giving your all into these relationships. And so. In that moment where you start realizing, wow, I want to take care of myself. It may be a call to reduce that relationship stimuli. Why am I calling it stimuli? I'm not saying stop the relationships. I'm talking about. What does being in communication with other people do? What does it do when I'm in communication with somebody else? What's actually happening? Well, I'm sharing something. There's some energy flow going back and forth between me and the other person. In my experience, my whole life I was doing that. I was in the flow with somebody else in the energetic exchange with somebody else, but I never, not never, but I hardly ever paid attention to just how I feel without getting that outside connection. So when you feel like you wanna start taking care of yourself, it's a good idea to reduce that give and take with others. And I'm here to say that at first, that can be a scary proposition, especially if you were like me and you really were dependent on these people in one way or another, or you're just so used to talking. So used to sharing that, the idea of not sharing doesn't make a lot of sense. So what happens if you decide, okay, I'm going to take care of myself, I'm gonna spend a little more time on my own. I need to stop answering the phone so much, or I need to stop engaging in conversation so much. I need to stop sharing so much. Sharing mean talking about my life with people. I tell you, I don't know if this is an American thing or not. Uh, I think maybe part of it is cultural. I was in an elevator once, and it's fine most of the time, you know, you're just standing in the elevator. But it seemed natural to either stand quietly or strike up a conversation, which is fine, but sometimes conversations can get, personal, right? Like, let's say you're on an airplane. And the typical thing that somebody starts talking and you just wanna be quiet and they start talking and trying to engage. They're trying to engage in an energetic exchange. So what I'm talking about in this episode is when we begin to start trying to take care of ourselves spiritually, trying to get in touch with my own feelings, trying to heal, trying to figure out what's going on inside myself. I need to stop doing that energetic connection with others, what does that look like? Well, for me at the time, it wasn't just that I had a bunch of friends. It was that I had a bunch of people that I was dependent on. Dependent on either them looking to me for advice or I was, feeling good about myself because I was the one giving advice, or I was dependent on them for advice. So I was constantly going back and forth. So I decided, look, I'm going to begin this process of reducing this. So I would maybe not answer the phone, maybe make a boundary. I'm not gonna answer the phone after 8:00 PM or I'm not gonna answer the phone before 10:00 AM. Something like that. Give myself some kind of boundary so that I'm showing myself that I'm taking care of myself. I tell you one boundary does a lot of good, one boundary starts to make me feel like something is changing. If I say, okay, I'm not gonna pick up the phone after 8:00 PM or 9:00 PM it's like something relaxes like, oh, okay. Why is it relaxing? Because if I am ready to answer the phone or ready to engage at any time, when do I take care of myself? When is there recovery? When's the replenishment? When is the recharge? Do any of us feel overwhelmed? Do any of us feel like we have too much stimulation? Sometimes we talk about work or activities, but relationships are also stimulation. It is okay to create a life that feels good for you. I wanna say that again. It's okay. It's okay to create a life that feels good for you. Let's say for me, I don't like to get involved with too much intense work before 10:00 AM. That's why I mentioned that before 10:00 AM is a good time for me. Like after 10:00 AM great. I'm more active. But before 10:00 AM even though I may be at work, I'm still kind of just, you know, looking at emails, getting situated, whatever. I don't like getting, fully engaged until a little bit later in the day. So what is that doing? I'm, I'm working with myself and actually on my team at work. I did mention it to my team, like, as a joke, like, don't talk to me before 10:00 AM It's a joke, but it's also a little bit of a boundary. What am I doing? I'm saying please don't engage with me in an energetic exchange until after this time. I need this morning time to get myself situated, you know, with work or get my energy together. Same thing at night. I need to be able to have some downtime, some after work time, some family time at home, or maybe just to be alone or, eat in a, in a peaceful way. Eat dinner peacefully. Do we keep our activities going all day and all night? Do we keep the conversations going all day and all night? And just to be fair, there is some kind of exhilaration that happens when you're engaging with other people. There is a charge that we get out of it. There is something that we get out of it, so it's not like it's bad that we're talking to other people. It's just, it's a certain kind of energy. But when do I get to recover? When do I get to feel for myself what's going on with me? So. I wrote here also that when we begin to reduce the stimuli, then when we do come back or when we are in the group, I feel better about myself. I don't feel as vulnerable. I don't feel as sensitive. I don't feel as reactive. I'm ready to engage in that energetic exchange because I took time for myself. There are times when the relationships are maybe toxic. The relationships feel bad, the relationships are uneven or feel not safe or something like that. And maybe those also need to be addressed. But even the normal ones, I still need to take care of myself. So let's take a few moments and just reflect and just see. We'll do a few reflections now, just sitting quietly. So reflection number one, take a look right now at your daily schedule. Do you have a balance of interacting and also self time? Is there a balance? Do I have enough self time so that I can get my energy back? I can feel. Stable inside myself so that when I go back into the group, I feel confident. I feel self-respect. I feel my own dignity, and I can manage those interactions easily. So do I have enough self time in my day Reflection number two. Take a look at one relationship that maybe feels a little out of balance. Maybe I'm talking to them too much. Maybe it doesn't feel good. Maybe, maybe it's been a long time and maybe the relationship needs to change, or maybe the relationship's just fine, but maybe I just need to cut back a little bit. Take a look and see if you have one of those. Just look at one right now. And see, is there a relationship that maybe needs a little bit of adjustment, whether it's adjusting with the relationship or just creating those self time boundaries, right? And then third reflection is what can I do to create balance in that area and make sure that I'm taken care of? And that I'm giving my best all the time. You know, people respect boundaries. Boundaries just mean this is who I am, this is what I need, and here I am. And here it is. That's what a boundary is. By the way, everyone, A boundary is not against anyone. A boundary is just me saying, I know who I am, I know what I need, and I'm telling you. And I'm here to say that most people really, really respect when people say those things and they feel good because then they know where they stand. They know how to treat you. They know how to handle, they know what to do to make you happy too. So you're setting them up to win with you. Wow, what an interesting thought. Maybe I'm so used to thinking about how I can please them. Versus how can I make them feel good around me? So if I take care of myself and get that balance of self care and self time, then I feel strong and confident and ready to be in those interactions with everyone in all situations. So I'll leave it there. I hope that gave you something to think about. Remember that there are different kinds of relationships, there's different kinds of feelings. If, like I said, if it's abusive, that's one situation that maybe needs a little bit of a different approach perhaps. 'cause maybe there needs to be a finishing or, hard boundaries or more in depth changes. But in the regular, every day. Wouldn't it be great if I could get myself like really charged so that every interaction becomes balanced and I feel good about myself and they feel good being with me, so I will leave it there. Remember, our slogan is Heal, Empower, and Serve. And until next time, take care.
