Episode Transcript
We Americans enjoy a wonderful and powerful way of life, but internally and in relationships we may wish for better. Join me as we look beneath the surface and gain insights to transform every aspect of your life. My name is Dr. Ann O'Hare, and this is the Spiritual American. Hello everyone and welcome to the Spiritual American. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare, and I'm your host. And today we will be talking about the self critic. Maybe you've heard about this before, but we're gonna dive in a little deeper this time and maybe get to the heart of what the issue actually is and how to solve it. So the self critic. As I was thinking about this, I actually had a situation happen this morning, which is bringing me to a deeper level of understanding about this. So I've kind of broken it down based on my experience and my understanding. First of all, we know that perhaps we have talking voices in our heads, and maybe sometimes they're not so positive. And so what I've noticed is even when first starting this meditation, one of the biggest obstacles to peace, let's say, or to meditation or having a good experience, is the self critic. So for instance, I would sit down for meditation and my mind would be going all over the place, and I wouldn't be able to feel peace or anything like that. And so the critic would immediately start talking, this isn't for you. You can't meditate. And this feeling of failure and something else would come. I kept meditating anyway because when I was exposed to this knowledge, I recognized it as true. Because I recognized it as true, I was willing to do the activities that were suggested to help develop a greater understanding and attain the spiritual aims that I was interested in. Of course, the aims are like self-realization and things like that. And of course, personality transformation along the lines of spirituality. So meditation was, part of the program. So of course I have to meditate, but I was not very successful at it in terms of being able to experience peace. So the self critic was there. Self critic is there when maybe I make a mistake, whatever a mistake is, but sometimes things happen and we think, oh, you did it wrong. And you know, I'm sure. There are many of you out there who have a very active self critic. My self critic was very, very strong, very mean, merciless. If I ever did anything wrong, I would feel terrible. I would feel worried about other people. And it's funny 'cause I don't think I was worried so much about feeling humiliated that was less important than being wrong. And I am thinking that might be a female, the female side, maybe the male side might be more humiliation, but either way, there's a self critic in there. So I broke it down this way today. Something happened this morning and I realized that the way I was acting was based on the self critic. But it wasn't the normal self critic, the one that's talking and saying you're no good, and things like that. That one I have shut down a long time ago, but I didn't realize that there was a deeper level occurring. So the first level I'm gonna say is the gross level of the self critic. That's the one that's talking to you, the one I'm just talking about now. That's saying you are no good. You did it wrong. They're gonna be mad at you, whatever. All that stuff very, very mean, self attacking voice. Creates feelings of upset and feel bad about myself and I feel sad and maybe depressed and things like that, and it's all in my head. And I'm sure you've met people like that or maybe you're like that yourself, where you're, people say you're harder on yourself than anybody is on you. And most people just kind of tolerate it, when they see it in other people. But when you're experiencing it yourself, it's very painful. And one of the things I recommend when people start meditating is that they should immediately stop tolerating that voice. There's no way I'm gonna let that abusive voice continue. And I'm gonna say that I've pretty much stopped that voice, but today I've discovered the second level, and this is the one that's bringing the ouchie and bringing the deeper realization. The second level is the subtle level of the self critic and the subtle level of the self critic shows up like reaction to others and suspicion and mistrust. So somebody will do something and automatically I'll start thinking, well, this is what they mean. This is their intention. We better watch out for this. I better watch out for that. What's happening in my mind at that moment? This is very subtle, so I'm hoping you'll follow where I'm going with this. There may not be a self critic in there yelling at me, but there's this feeling, feeling bad. I feel bad because they are gonna hurt me, or I can't trust them, or it's creating this whole kind of mistrusts, not really paranoid. I wouldn't say it's that far, but it's enough suspicion to feel really bad inside. And the way to overcome that is to start talking about how you're gonna protect yourself from that. Well, if they do this, then I'm gonna do this. If they do this, then I'm gonna do this, or this is the right way to be and that's the wrong way to be. And. All of a sudden this kind of indignant, arrogant one comes up and starts talking because the other one feels really, really bad and feels like maybe not safe. This is very important. I find that this thing that I'm talking about right now can wear down relationships. If someone is not happy or if someone is many times feeling like something's wrong, it's difficult to be to feel at ease with somebody like that. There's nothing wrong with them. It's just that when somebody's being like that, it's always like you're waiting for the next reaction. To come from them. So today, and I'm gonna share this, so this is a second level, the subtle level of the self-critic shows up like critical of others, suspicious of others not trusting, feeling bad, and then coming up with the counter attack, feeling right, feeling good, feeling not good, but feeling like you are on the right side of the situation and how I'm gonna protect myself and what not to do, and what to do. All of that is not really peace or really authentically happy or anything like that. It's this, this second level of this critical self. I, I'm sharing it with you now because it just became visible to me. So, I was thinking how to stop that one. So stopping the first one, the gross one is kind of easy 'cause you're basically standing up to a bully. This one's attacking me and I'm saying, no more. You're not gonna attack me anymore. Okay. But this one, you have to see it first. I think I've been doing this my whole life and I would dare say that this whole culture that I grew up with, does it all the time. There's always a feeling that something's not right. Somebody's gonna take advantage, somebody's not being honest, and then there's this whole other part that comes in to try to correct that. So how do we stop that subtle part? Well, once we see it, which is the first step. So today I saw it, so I'm saying now my thing that I'm gonna do now is I'm going to watch that thing. I'm not gonna try to change it or stop it completely. But what I have recognized is it must be difficult for others to be around when I'm like that or anybody, but I'm talking about myself. So whenever I'm like that, it must not be easy to be around me. So I definitely wanna stop that. So the first thing I'm gonna do is watch it. I'm gonna watch it. I'm gonna watch how the thoughts happen. I'm gonna watch how, maybe it's not just in this situation, maybe I'm doing it all the time. I kind of anticipate that it's gonna be happening all the time. So I'm gonna have to be brave and watch. Next thing is, while I'm watching, don't act it out. So maybe I won't bring somebody else into the conversation. Maybe if I have the thoughts, I'll just deal with the thoughts myself so that I'm not creating any more problem out here. But I'll just be quiet on the outside. By the way, in case you are picking it up, I'm sharing a process here of how to overcome different personality traits that you become aware of when you start meditating. You get to see them clearly, and then this is what you do to finish them. So first you have to watch them watch and don't let yourself act out when they show up and be brave because chances are, like I said, they're gonna be happening all over the place. As that happens it will begin to get less and I'm going to replace it. And I wrote here, replace the self critic with self care. I want to feel good in my relationships and I wanna feel good, and I don't want people to feel bad when they're around me, and I don't wanna distrust anybody. I wanna be able to feel. And again, that's not to say I'm gonna let anybody abuse me. As a matter of fact, that was the first step, right? The the gross part is already taken care of. It's now this subtle part that I wanna let go of. So I'm gonna replace that with self-care. And what does that mean? Whenever I feel that mistrust, or whenever I feel that unease, or whenever I feel that fear, I'm not gonna act it out, but I'm gonna take care of myself. And I wrote down here, you don't really know what's going on with anybody else, so you're checking in with the facts. I really don't know what the other person is thinking, so I need to just stop imagining things. That's number one. And then the other thing is, whatever it is, whatever happens, I'll be able to handle it. This is very important. Part of, I believe, the self critic, or the reason why it works is because part of me believes that I can't handle it or that somehow I'm vulnerable when the truth is I will be able to handle it and I'm taking care of myself. I don't need to create those thoughts. I don't need to be, I don't need to be focused on anyone else. This is very difficult because it's kind of ingrained. So I'm gonna now watch this thing that I'm talking about and watch how maybe it's impacting the way I talk the way I look at people, the way I remember people, the way I behave. Take a look and see if I can remove that mistrust now and that criticism of others and imaginations about them out of my awareness. Then what will be left? So what will be left is self-care. I'm here. I'm expressing myself naturally the way I am here, and I have nothing against anybody. Truly, sometimes we say we have nothing against anyone, but I'm gonna say, at least for me, there were other things operating in the background, leaving me feeling really bad and I don't wanna feel bad. Right? So let's do a little reflection, like a gentle reflection just for the last few minutes. And see, maybe you can take a look for yourself and see if this, that we're talking about this self critic and the subtle form. Maybe you can relate to this and maybe take a look for yourself. So sitting quietly, Let's take a moment and reflect. Just look and see. Do I have a critical voice? Check for yourself. How often does that critical voice come up? Is it gross? Is it yelling at me or telling me that I'm no good? What does it say? I mean, don't get too into detail, but just notice and notice how you feel. Ask yourself, can I make a commitment now to stop the gross form of this self critic? There's no need to feel like I'm being bullied in my own mind. Second, take a look and see, do I mistrust others? Do I suspect others? Do I fill my mind with thoughts of what others' intentions are? Do I worry myself with what I will do if this happens or that happens? Am I worried that I'm gonna get hurt or caught off guard? And how do I feel when that happens? See if you can. Make a commitment now to watch when that happens and see if you can get a little bit deeper into what that's all about. Today I talked about two things, checking the reality of it, like we really don't know. So maybe can I admit to myself that I really don't know what other people are thinking? And the second thing is that whatever happens, I will be able to take care of myself. And third, can I begin to think about committing to exchanging the self critic for self care. No matter what happens, no matter who it is or what the situation is, my main objective is to take care of myself. Okay, so now come on back. Hopefully that gave you something new to think about. Like I shared, definitely this is new. I'm like hot off the press, I'm sharing, but this is how spirituality works. As I keep on meditating and I keep on studying, and I keep on becoming more aware, deeper and deeper levels of these things that are going on, become clear to me, and then I can look at them and deal with them with the commitment to self-care and let them go and be more fully there and more fully happy and engaged in relationships in the way I want to be. So I'll leave it there. Remember, our slogan is Heal, Empower and Serve. And until next time, take care.
