Episode Transcript
We Americans enjoy a wonderful and powerful way of life, but internally and in relationships we may wish for better. Join me as we look beneath the surface and gain insights to transform every aspect of your life. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare, and this is the Spiritual American. Hello everyone and welcome to the Spiritual American. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare, and I'm your host. And today we'll be talking about facing failure. Interesting topic. Of course, we're gonna be going a little beneath the surface. So facing failure. When I was thinking about this topic, the first thought that came to mind, believe it or not, is, well, there's no such thing as failure, and it's just everything is the way it is, and maybe that's not deep enough. So I remembered a situation in the past where we had a neighbor in the neighborhood and the son had passed away, and I was talking to the mother. And I found myself not knowing what to say. Have you ever had that situation where something happens and maybe it's very heavily emotional, and then you don't know what to say to the person? So I remember saying something like, well, it is what it is. And I guess that was my attempt at stability, to make it, it's okay because it just is the way it is. But I knew in that moment that that wasn't really gonna help that person. I think there's deeper levels of emotional sensitivity that we can get to in situations, and today we're gonna look at failure as one of those situations where maybe somebody might say, a friend might say, oh, there'll be another opportunity. I remember. Breaking up with a first boyfriend or whatever, devastated. And somebody says, well, there'll be more boyfriends. Or it's like, it, it comes, it, it lands as such an insensitive, inappropriate thing to say. But what do you say to that person? Or what do you say to yourself? What do you say to yourself when you're feeling like you failed or you're feeling like there's a major loss? What do I say to myself? So I wrote a couple of things down here about failure, like success and failure 'cause that's the one we're looking at right now. So I remember growing up and it was always about winning, looking good, doing well. I know that even I always tell this story about bowling, like I went bowling and I couldn't stand going bowling because I was so bad at it. I know I used to look at people go bowling and drink a beer and or a soda and have a pizza and bowl. And even if the bowls were in the gutter and it didn't matter to them 'cause they could have fun. I couldn't understand that. For me, a lot of my self-worth was based on winning, producing the result, getting the job. Being successful in this conversation, being able to manage a project or produce an outcome. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. So it's understandable that there would be some emotional investment if that's what I valued, there would be some emotional investment. So what happens when the things don't work out? I was thinking about how I, I couldn't break this habit of why should I do it if I'm not good at it? It doesn't make sense to me. It didn't make sense to me. It seems counterintuitive and I still feel like that to some degree. Like we shouldn't be doing things that we feel uncomfortable, let's say. However, we're still in life. There are still things that happen that maybe we're going to quote unquote fail, although I'm gonna make an argument now that there is no such thing as failure. But, but first I'm gonna say the thing about the, attachment that we have. We have this self-worth connection to the outcome. I remember growing up. I'm sure some of you had this too, like if you didn't get an A. I remember in nursing school even there was a time where I studied, there was one aspect, it was, uh, OB and pediatrics and I was studying really, really hard and everybody else was coming to me to study with me 'cause I really knew the material, and I got a 73 on the test. It took me two weeks to get over that. Or if you're looking at the videos, if you're watching the podcast, you know that I always talk about this situation at work where I put in for this job and I didn't get it, and I was absolutely devastated for five years, I couldn't get over it. Five years. Has anybody out there held onto something for five years or held onto some kind of failure or some kind of disappointment for that long? It is interesting. I think there's two aspects that will help us with this situation. Obviously, this rigid attachment to outcomes maybe is not helping me because if something goes wrong, then I'm devastated. Obviously, I don't wanna be devastated, but I don't wanna be inauthentic. This is the other thing. When people say to you, oh, it'll be all right. It's just a job or whatever, and they're not paying attention to your feelings, I don't think that we should discount our feelings. I think we should deal with our feelings and maybe learn. Learn from it. Maybe I was too attached. Maybe this is not the right thing for me. Maybe there's a bright side to this. Maybe I didn't need to have that job. Actually, I find out now, I can look back now, and I'm actually grateful, humbly grateful because I was complaining the whole time. But there were several times that I wanted different jobs and different positions and different things, and I didn't get any of them. And now I look back and I say, I'm glad I didn't get them. Because I would've ended up being in commitments that I now am glad that I'm not in. So that's one principle I can offer right now. For those of you who are looking at your life and saying, oh, I failed at this. I failed at that. Look at the circumstances around the situation that didn't happen. Maybe you don't wanna be there in that situation. So maybe in essence, it's a good thing that it didn't happen. We have a principle in raja yoga meditation, everything that happens is ultimately going to be beneficial. Ultimately beneficial, even if I can't see it yet. This is a point of faith that we can have, again, we still have to pay attention to our feelings because if I try to intellectualize it, it doesn't work. Just like me saying to the mother, it's, it just is what it is. Or me pretending to like bowling when I'm so terrible at it that I really can't bring myself to enjoy myself. So I think the balance is don't try to gaslight yourself and tell yourself that everything's okay, but also pay attention to the feelings, but don't get too upset, like don't feel like your life is over. Obviously. Maybe there's something positive that's happening in that situation that maybe you can't see just now. The other thing is that when people are more laid back, have you ever known people that are laid back? Like if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't, and they just like float from one thing to the next. I used to be very critical of those people. I used to think of them as ineffective or maybe not intelligent or something like that. I remember talking to one person that's pretty high up a senior in our organization in the Brahma Kumaris, she's been. Meditating for 50 years or more. And I said to her that I'm working on this project or that project, or I'm working on this. And she said, wow. I wouldn't put that much pressure on myself. Like for me it was like, I'm determined to get this done and I'm working on this. And for her it was like, ah, I just take it the way it comes. Wow. What a concept. Would she think of something as a failure? Maybe not, right? I think what can help us, if you're like me and more externally oriented and maybe wanna get results and things, and maybe you get a little too emotionally attached with things. Maybe what could be helpful is to look around you and maybe there are people around you that are more laid back. Maybe there are people around you that don't take things as seriously as you do. Is it possible to learn from them? It took me a while. You know, the judgments in our mind, I was talking in the last episode about this judgment that goes on. It's self-judgment and it's judgment of others, and I find that rigidness, that hardness of the way I perceive myself and others, and if things don't work out, of course I'm gonna feel bad. It's like my whole self is bent on getting this result. But I think there's a sad aspect. A little bit of an unfortunate aspect to this is that I'm not happy. It's either I'm driven or disappointed. Maybe I'm oversimplifying. Okay. Obviously, there's something to be said for being able to produce something. You know, there's something to be said for being able to organize or make something happen or being able to communicate. All those are great. Those are great skills and I'm glad I have them. Actually, this podcast is me using those skills right now. That's fine, but am I open enough? Am I free enough? Am I relaxed enough? That if something doesn't go right, I don't feel upset or I don't feel devastated, would I be able to just say, eh, it's all right. Let me move on, or let me leave it alone for a few minutes and come back to it, or, okay, resign myself. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to deal with it and it's okay. I'm getting a lot better at this. So to wrap up this idea, I would like to now say after this discussion that there is no such thing as failure. Something happens and I make up an idea about it. The person who's rigid and determined and focused like me would look at it like a failure and maybe feel bad about it, and maybe feel guilty or feel depressed or so forth. The person who's laid back about things would say, oh, okay, maybe it wasn't meant to be. How about that? Can I try on some of these little slogans, like maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I'm better off without it. Maybe something better will come along. One last thing I have, we have a person at work who just retired yesterday, was her last day. And she retired, but she doesn't have another job yet. She retired from federal service, but she's still gonna get another job 'cause she needs to work from home. So she's got a bunch of applications out there and I ask her sometimes that, yo, well, you know, how's it going? You have any interviews yet or anything? And she's like, no, not yet. But I'm, I'm hopeful. There's a couple that I like and, but I kept, she keeps saying. I have faith that I put it out there and the right thing is going to come. So she's not worried. She's not obsessed with one job or another job, and I don't think she sees having to leave her job retire or whatever is a failure. I think she wasn't happy about it. She dealt with her feelings about it. She didn't wanna leave the job, but she has to stay home to take care of her family. So, looking at this in a like a holistic way. Can I tone down this determined, focused, driven kind of attitude, which is okay, the skills are okay, but can I increase a little bit of this, it's gonna be okay. Maybe it's not meant to be. Everything's benevolent and it's all right and I can handle it. So if you wanna call that success and failure. I just think it's good advice for living life. Who wants to feel bad? And if you are one of those people that's laid back and doesn't wanna get too caught up in things that I salute you, I. I hope that your life is working for you. I know that there are times where you need that kind of focused energy, and I hope that you are around people that can provide that, or you can generate that in yourself, just like I'm trying to generate the laid back side in myself. So I'll leave it there. I hope that gave you something to think about. This word failure is so loaded and maybe we don't need to use it anymore. Maybe we can just look at it as a balance in the future. So I will leave it there. Remember, our slogan is Heal, Empower, and Serve. And until next time, take care.
